Parent Envy

Two people close to me have recently told me they envy me for having children.

Well, one says he envies me, and the other says she’s upset that my child, years ago, when my child was about four, pointed out that she didn’t have children, which hurt her feelings, because she doesn’t have children. Neither of these people who are close to me visit me regularly. They don’t spend much time with me and my kids.

The one who was offended said, years ago, when invited over, that she spends her working days with small children, and doesn’t want to be with them in her own time. Fair enough. Of course, she could have had a child on her own if she really wanted to. She doesn’t spend time with us because her feelings were hurt by an offhand remark by a preschooler.

My other friend, the male, has pursued a career in the creative arts, and his relationships haven’t produced any children, even though he has always wanted to have kids of his own. He may yet have children. It’s not too late.


Here’s what I don’t get. Since I’ve had kids most of my friends have stayed away in droves. I’ve made new friends in the neighbourhood, friends who have kids. My friends who don’t have kids are living a life of freedom, relationships, work, holidays, parties, outings, and it all looks pretty good from the outside. No-one from my family or old friends have ever taken my children on an outing. The only person who have ever taken a child out is my ex-neighbour, a single woman, who has taken each child in turn on a daytrip to visit her friends who live on an island in the Hawkesbury River.  No member of my family, nor an old friend has ever had my kids stay overnight. They’ve never come to a child performance. Old friends and family members have never offered to take the kids for me because I have an essay to write or an exam to study for. My partner and I know that we’re on our own, and if we want to call on help, we ask local parents for help. That’s why I started the babysitting club.

To tell the truth there have been a few times when I’ve really needed help. When I’ve given birth. It was difficult to find someone to look after my children so I could have a baby. I had to inconvenience someone, who came over, even though she didn’t want to, even though she was on holidays, to look after my kids so I could give birth. When we moved house with three small children. We needed to return to the old house to clean it the next day, and I asked a number of people to come over and mind the kids. Most said no. Even though they had nothing else on. Some said they needed to rest on the weekend. We were exhausted after moving house and hadn’t begun setting up the new house, and had to clean the old house on our own. But they needed their weekend to rest. Thanks to the old friend, who I hardly see, who came through for us. And one time when I was sick. An old friend came over to look after the kids during the day. That’s it. It’s hard to find people to help us. I did once ask a friend of my partners' for help. He did help, but his wife disapproved and I haven't seen them since.

Why aren’t people without kids spending time with us? If I was single, and didn’t have kids, I would want to have relationships with the kids who could be in my life, and take them places and have them over, and attend their events, and enjoy being with them and watching them grow. I know there are children who have aunties and uncles and family friends who are involved in their lives. but those children aren’t my children. My children just have their parents, and maybe their friends’ parents. I really appreciate their friends’ parents being involved in their care.   

So, when people say they envy me for having children, should I take it with a grain of salt? Because if they really think my kids are cool, and smart, and interesting and fun to be with, wouldn’t they actually make an effort to be with them?