Tiredness

I’ve been tired for about eighteen months now.

I read an article about Arianna Huffington and her collapse from overwork. She talked about how a lot of people are sleep deprived. Although I’m not sleep deprived, I think chronic tiredness has the same effect.

‘Even traits that we associate with our core personality and values are affected by too little sleep. According to a study from the Walter Reed Army Institute of Research, sleep deprivation reduces our emotional intelligence, self-regard, assertiveness, sense of independence, empathy toward others, the quality of our interpersonal relationships, positive thinking, and impulse control.’

Arianna Huffington

Yep. I relate to that.

Being chronically tired is depressing. You just don’t bother doing what you would normally do if you had the energy. Things like dressing well or disciplining children, or baking treats or visiting friends.

Just when I’m worried that I’m not going to improve, and that my life will be based on lying down for naps, and dragging myself around to get things done,  I’ve had a few little glimpses of feeling better. When it happens, I notice. I’m expecting the tiredness to lift, like when morning sickness goes away. I’ve had a little taste of that.

But then I got a cold. Now I’m back to feeling rubbish and looking for spaces to lie down. I didn’t complain much about having leukaemia, but I’m complaining about having a cold.

I’d been thinking that, when the mist rises, I can just forget all about being sick because I’ll feel normal. Then I read a report on stem cell transplants written by members  of my medical team. No such luck. Soon I’ll be having lots of medical tests - bone density, skin cancer, heart, lungs, liver. I’ll eventually get cataracts. I’m higher risk for secondary cancers, especially skin cancer. I realised how many bullets I’ve dodged already. There was a lot that could have gone wrong that I avoided.  I’ll be taking my leukaemia medication for the rest of my life, ignoring my bone pain, and wondering if it is waking me up when I’m asleep. But when I feel better, I’ll be able to think less about myself, which will be healthy.

I’m glad the weather is changing. I’m ready for a new season. I feel like it’s been summer forever.