Friday, July 26, 2013

Doing Nothing

Mostly, still, I’m doing nothing. I’m observing myself embracing doing nothing. The more I do nothing the more comfortable I am with it. Life goes on without me.

Occasionally I feel a cog shift into place and notice I feel a little bit better. I could provide a list of minor ailments, but I won’t.

I had a bone marrow biopsy this week. I was glad for something to do. I took the sedation option, after rejecting it last time and finding the procedure painful. I had the sedation the first time, but was awake through the whole thing. I didn’t realise I was supposed to be asleep. This time I was asleep. Much better. On Day 99 I will find out if I still have leukaemia. I suspect I don’t.

I feel like the whole sickness episode will be over soon, and forgotten. Life will continue as it did before. I don’t know that I would have learned any great life lesson or made any resolutions. I’ll just pick up where I left off. I have had lots of time to wonder what is worth doing. Should I become a politician? An artist?  Resolve to be fabulous? To have more fun?  Should I take up a new career? Is it enough to live a quiet life, being concerned with what’s for dinner and changing the bed sheets? I note that returning to my usual routine is a fairly limited one. Now that I’m going for walks and getting out of the house - where to go? Mostly I would go to the school, the local shops and the library. I live in a small suburban sphere. It’s a bit sad. I feel like the most boring person in the world, but this is the stuff of normal life. I need a workplace. When I walk into the entrance of the hospital, I feel like I’m going to work, because it is the place I most often go, and I’ll see people I know. That’s a bit sad. I need some collegiality. I need somewhere to go each day where I make small talk with workmates. Studying externally doesn’t provide that. I’d better finish my Dip Ed and get to work.